Let's Bring Back Victorian Death Rituals

Why we rush mourning in our modern culture and how to change that

A dark carriage with glass sides rumbles out of the mist. A low-hanging fog softens the edges of the scene and moves like steam over the backs of the horses, strewn with black ribbons and jangling harnesses. A solitary man walks purposefully through the gloom but stops and leans on his walking stick as the funeral cart passes.

This is one of my favorite movie scenes, from one of my favorite movies, A Christmas Carol, the George C. Scott version.

Photo by Odalv on Unsplash

Victorians knew how to honor the dead and by doing so, care for the living. Victorian death rituals were plentiful. Here are a few that you may be familiar with:

• In-home wakes where the deceased’s body would be strewn with flowers and mourners would gather to say their goodbyes.

• Clocks and mirrors—both were altered at the time of death. Clocks were stopped at the moment the person passed. Mirrors were draped with black fabric to prevent the soul of the deceased from becoming trapped.

• Black crepe was draped over doorknobs and/or the doorbell and over a wreath on the door signaling a death in the household.

• Post-mortiary photos were often taken to remember the deceased by. The dead were often positioned to look as though they were still alive—some even in a group with other family members.

• Death jewelry was created, often using locks of the deceased’s hair, to remember him or her by.

• Bodies removed from the home were taken out feet first. This was thought to prevent the deceased from calling anyone else to the other side.

Death in Contrast: the Victorian Period and Today

Then: In Victorian times, death took a lot of time. Not only was the deceased on display in the family home, but the body remained there for an average of four days. This was, to be fair, more of a practical matter—it was important to make sure that the person believed to be deceased wasn’t simply in a coma and might “come to” again.

Now: Wakes here in the US usually last a few to several hours, depending on the number of visiting hours (one or two) the family chooses.

Then: When someone passed away in Victorian times, it wasn’t easy to get dressed. Often, clothes had to be made during this time. Unless one had a mourning gown (or two) already on hand, it was important for all-black dresses to be made for widows and other women close to the family member who’d died. These were worn to the funeral service and often for months afterward.

Now: Though some people still wear black or other dark colors to funerals and/or wakes in the United States, it’s more common to see lighter-colored clothing, floral prints, and even jeans.

Then: Mourning was a public experience. In Victorian times people knew their neighbors and often had close friends/family who lived nearby. Things like funeral processions—on foot, following a horse-drawn carriage—were an important and very public custom. Long mourning periods too, were the norm, not the exception.

Now: Mourning is mostly private. While the first few days after a loved one passes might be full of contact with family and friends, everyone is busy and this outreach tends to dribble away. It’s rare to have anyone outside of the family acknowledge the deceased after the first couple of months.

Then: A mourning period followed the funeral and was typically between a few months to more than two years. The timeframe depended on the relationship with the deceased—wives typically were in mourning longer than someone who’d lost a sister.

Now: Is there a mourning period today? If lucky, you might receive a week’s paid time off from work to mourn your loved one here in the US. If bereavement time isn’t offered or you don’t find it long enough, you need to rely on personal time and/or unpaid leave.

And that is where the problem is.

Mourning in America

Now, we’re expected to quickly move on from our pain, return to life as usual, and hide our grieving.

America now has a National Grief Awareness Week (it was December 2-8 in 2024). This is an attempt by the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services (SAMHS) to shine a light on grief and mourning and how important these are in the lives of everyone.

All of us will lose someone we love in our lifetime. Stuffing down our feelings or pretending that life will ever go back to the way it was before losing a loved one is illogical.

Our culture has built many such dams – expectations to 'move on', pressure to 'stay strong', the subtle and constant message that our grief is too much, too messy, too inconvenient. —Nici Harrison, Grief Balm

While an awareness week is not going to change the culture of our grieving process perhaps exponentially, it does offer a starting place. If you’re grieving, you are likely already familiar with Elizabeth Kübler-Ross’s five stages of grief. These are:

1. Denial

2. Anger

3. Bargaining

4. Depression

5. Acceptance

What many people don’t realize though, is that traversing these stages is not a linear process, but more like riding a merry-go-round. Some days you feel like you’re recovering and have hope that someday you’ll heal. Others you feel right back at the start of the process, the pain threatening to overwhelm you.

How to Mourn Like a Victorian

What would it look like to bring back more of the Victorian customs around mourning?

After I lost my Dad at the end of 2023, I existed in a strange reality. Part of me desperately wanted to go back to “life as normal” after all of the stress and initial grief of the first couple of weeks following his death.

Another part of me wasn’t ready for my regular life and routine. I was still falling apart, breaking down in tears multiple times a day. It felt odd to see people out doing normal things—taking their kids sledding, walking the dog, eating at a restaurant. How could their lives be so normal when mine was completely changed?

And yet, would a more public expression of grief have helped me? I’m not sure. As a private person, the thought of sobbing uncontrollably in public—as is the norm in other countries in the world—fills me with near panic. If I’d decided to wear black for six months, would I have felt better? Would anyone have even noticed or asked me about it?

One thing that was very helpful to me was when people told me that they were praying for me/my family. I felt honored that they took the time to do that and believe it helped me find more comfort. Another kind friend sent a note near the anniversary of my father’s death, telling me that she was thinking of me/my family as we continued to heal.

Private pain is easier to navigate. But is it healthier for us and does it help us through the mourning process or slow it down? Perhaps semi-private pain is best. Asking a friend for prayers or listening when you need to talk, or scheduling time in the day to mourn (it sounds weird, but it’s very helpful).

Public View of Grief: Yea or Nay?

If we took a more public view of grief in the US today what would it look like? Imagine black ribbons hanging from exterior doors. Or the wearing of a black ribbon (similar to awareness ribbons), worn pinned to one’s clothing. What if our cars sported a bit of black fabric on their antennas or around the license plate?

Would these outer symbols of our inner grief result in us being more compassionate to one another? Would you treat someone differently if they were scattered at the post office tomorrow if they were wearing a black ribbon? Would you still honk at them in traffic for cutting you off, if you noticed the black fabric on their car?

And would doing any of these things—or incorporating other Victorian mourning customs—help us to better process our grief?

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this as well as what you think about public vs. private mourning. Which are you more comfortable with?

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J.P. Choquette is the author of cozy horror books set in Vermont. Atmospheric pageturners, her novels are gothic inspired and frequently tie in the themes of art, nature, and psychology. Her 11 novels have been downloaded nearly 25,000 times across multiple platforms.

Her father was one of her biggest supporters.